Xiomara has been a faithful attender of LTTL for several years. She wanted her mother to be able to read Beside Still Waters: Finding Peace in the Midst of Your Child's Addiction but knew that her mother's English skills were limited. Xiomara translated the book into Spanish and did such a good job that we decided to publish it in Spanish. Here is her story:
“For you have delivered my soul from death, yes, my feet from falling, that I may walk before God in the light of life.” Psalm 56:13
"I am convinced that God’s Word has the power to rescue a soul from death and bring them to walk in the light of His perfect Love. Christ transformed my life and the life of my parents and can do it for anyone who believes in His name.
“And there is salvation in no one else, for there is no other name under heaven given among men by which we must be saved.” Acts 4:12
I would like to share my story to highlight how the enemy infiltrates families to derail them from God's purpose. My earliest memories start with living in a home filled with fear due to my dad’s drinking. At age 5, I recall standing between my parents during their constant quarreling to prevent them from hurting each other. I feared Dad would kill Mom one day. When Dad wasn't drinking, he was an easy-going person, but the spirit of rage came over him while under the influence of alcohol. Mom became a bitter and hardhearted person. Because my parents were unhappy, they were not attuned to my emotional needs. I have no recollection of experiencing any form of physical affection. As a result of Dad’s unpredictable behavior and Mom’s indifference, my emotions towards them were ambivalent; I started to self-soothe in unhealthy ways. I created a fantasy world and found myself daydreaming most of the time. By 10 years old, I couldn't relate to the outside world; I was completely inhibited. I was bullied at school and did not fit in with the other kids. We moved around a lot and at every school I was an outcast. Eventually, I tried to become invisible in order to survive. A deep sadness started to grow inside of me. It was then that the enemy Satan planted seeds of abandonment and rejection into my young soul.
“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly. “John 10:10
When a young person has no sense of identity, it can cause them to do crazy things to make them feel alive. Alcohol, sex, drugs, porn, suicidal ideation, anything to numb the pain. At the age of 16, my parents divorced. Mom had a new boyfriend and was pregnant. I decided to live with Dad because I did not want him to be alone. Dad did not handle the divorce well, and he started to displace his anger on me. I feared him and did not trust him. While under his custody, I found myself hospitalized after suffering an uncontrollable outburst because I had swallowed pills that I found in the medicine cabinet. I did not intend to take my life; I only wanted the problems in our family to stop. Regrettably, my parents were incapable of providing the help I was crying out for, and my battle with depression and anxiety went undiagnosed and worsened with time. I started to drink socially and experiment with acid to take my mind off things.
Soon after, I moved back with Mom. My three siblings and I found ourselves living in an apartment in Los Angeles. The apartment halls were filled with trash and there were homeless people all around. It felt as if we were living in a prison cell, as there was no sunlight in our apartment. I believe I was especially weary because I feared that we would end up homeless. Everything around me looked dark and hopeless. My little sister was only 2 months old, and Mom was dating a new man. I warned Mom about her boyfriend's drug use, but she ignored my warning and continued the relationship. During this time, the instability of our lives caused me great worry, and Mom’s choices angered me. I felt powerless. At the time, I did not know what depression was, nor did I have the words to describe it. All I knew was that I wanted to die. I continued to suffer from severe depression, and the enemy twisted my mind in every way possible. During this time, I started food purging, became obsessed with my body image, and felt a sense of shame. I know now that it was God who protected my life.
Because I feared that Mom’s boyfriend would rage against me, I decided to move out with a guy I had been dating for a few months. I ignored all the red flags, including his controlling behavior and meth addiction. We moved to Texas, where we were isolated from family and friends. We eventually married. Being away from family was the perfect opportunity for abuse and dysfunction to grow. Throughout my marriage, I normalized abuse. I pretended to be happy, but on the inside, I grew more lifeless each day. I never thought I would survive. When a person is invisible, it’s easy to allow abuse because no one can see their scars. I remained silenced in my marriage for 15 years. It was through the help of friends and counseling that God made a way out for me.
Sometime after the divorce, I returned home to live with Mom and siblings and was faced with new challenges, including living with a brother who battles with alcohol and drug addiction. In my desperation to no longer live in dysfunction and codependency, I started to cry out to God for help, and He heard my cry! He led me to watch a video by Aaron Kim in which he shares his story of how Christ healed him from depression, suicidal thoughts, and anxiety. Through Aaron’s testimony I was led to Grace Fellowship International. From there the Lord orchestrated every detail to lead me to Love Them To Life. When I reached out to LTTL, Mom was turning a blind eye to my brother's addiction, but I knew inside of me that I could no longer ignore Satan's work against my family. I was desperate for our story to change. I read Cherri’s book Besides Still Waters: Discovering Peace in Your Child's Addiction. Each page in the book was God speaking to my heart, drawing awareness to the bondage of codependency that Mom and I were living in and had lived in for years. With God’s help, Mom read Cherri’s book, which the Lord used to help us set new boundaries for a safer home. The book was a gateway for healing in our family.
Mom and I had learned to normalize dysfunction, which is far less than what God wanted for us. Learning this truth was liberating! God wants us to be free from the bondage of sin and abuse. We will never be the same because of what we've experienced. However, nothing is wasted in God's story of redemption. It is all for His Glory. God can heal every hurt and every twisted dysfunction of the mind. He is there in the darkest places of our soul and whispers life into our dying spirit. When I look back at my life, I recognize that the enemy Satan is the adversary who doesn’t give up trying to derail God’s children. But today, because of God’s mercy, both my parents have a relationship with Christ, and each day God is restoring our family piece by piece, according to His perfect will."
In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of his grace, which he lavished upon us, in all wisdom and insight making known to us the mystery of his will, according to his purpose, which he set forth in Christ as a plan for the fullness of time, to unite all things in him, things in heaven and things on earth. Eph: 1:7-10
