This is not easy to read but it will help those of us who are parents of children in addiction to understand more clearly the terrible choices that threatens the very life of our child.
I NEED To Get High.
I’m your child, or spouse, or friend.
But I’ve changed.
I don’t care about you.
Not in the way you want me to.
I care about getting high.
I WANT to get high.
I will do ANYTHING to get high.
I LOVE getting high.
I NEED to get high..
and I will step over you to do it.
When I look at you, I don’t see YOU.
I see a means to an end.
You have money.
I want it.
End of story.
I don’t care if you can’t pay the rent.
I don’t care if you need groceries.
I don’t care if you promised not to give me money.
I don’t care if you lie to Dad.
I don’t care if you’re broke.
Sell your rings, take a loan, sell your electronics, max out your credit cards, or borrow the money, because if you don’t, I will STEAL it.
I WILL find a way to get HIGH.
You think you can CHANGE me, or SAVE me.
But you’re WRONG!
I don’t respond to love.
Something cold and dead slithers within me.
You can CRY all you want.
It won’t change things.
My morals are a thing of the past.
I will say anything, do anything, and hurt anyone, to get my next FIX.
Although I may play the game with you, make no mistake.
I play, because I want money for DOPE.
I’ll say what ever you want to hear, I’ll promise you the world, I’ll look you in the eyes, and I’ll break your heart…
Over and over again.
I don’t have a heart.
I have a HUNGER.
It’s calculating and manipulative, and it OWNS me.
In a strange way you’re thankful for this.
For when I need something I find you, quick!
Then, when I’ve gotten what I want, I leave.
You’re anxious without me.
You offer to buy my food, or pay my rent.
You live to GIVE.
By now, you’re NEED is almost as great as mine.
I can’t stay SICK without you.
You can’t breathe without ME.
You think you’re helping me.
You believe you’re making a difference.
But what you’re really helping, is my ADDICTION.
I won’t tell you this, but you know it, deep down.
If we keep going like this, one or both of us, will die.
Me from an overdose, that you paid for,
and you from a heart attack, or stroke.
You’ve waited YEARS for me to change, or see the light.
You keep my secrets and protect my lies.
You clean up my mess and bail me out.
You love me to the exclusion, of EVERYONE else.
My addiction, changed you.
You hide from your friends and isolate.
You’re bitter and depressed.
Your world revolves around one thing only… ME.
But will your LOVE, ever become greater than your FEAR?
Would you be strong enough to reach out for help?
Will you learn to say NO?
Will you allow me to experience the consequences of my actions? Will you LOVE me enough to feel your discomfort and stop enabling, my addiction?
I lay trapped with within the confines of this cold dark, serpent – addiction, and I am… dying.